Help us find Annie
How to scare your neighbors this Halloween
Aaron Zelman, that madcap libertarian who heads up Jews for the Preservation of Firearms Ownership, has dreamed up a brilliantly subversive idea, and just in time for Halloween.
Zelman is now offering what he calls "Goody Guns," cookie cutters in the shape of little semiautomatic pistols. As he envisions it, "With the supervision and help of the adults in their lives, boys and girls can turn their own kitchens into "Arsenals of Liberty" by making gun-shaped cookies to keep and share, while absorbing firearms safety lessons the public schools would never teach them, and which the mass media don't want to see taught."
Halloween would be a great time to send a message to the anti-gun whackos in your neighborhood by baking up a batch of trick or treat cookies using this insidious cookie cutter. Being a responsible adult, you would of course wrap each cookie individually, and enclose a name and address label.
When the rabidly gun-hating parent shows up at your doorstep, you can offer a barter: you will trade the cookie for one of the window stickers shown at the right, provided the neighbor promises to paste it on his front door for at least a month.
If you're operating in a virulently anti-freedom environment like Baltimore, Maryland, you will want to have your lawer on retainer ahead of time, and a bail bondsman on alert. The police will surely throw you "under the jail," and you are guaranteed to make the Late News. Chances are, they will send a news crew to do a "stand up" in front of your house for at least the next two newscasts, and you can take advantage of the air time to paste the pro-liberty poster of your choice on the front of your house, knowing it will be televised.
But wait! There's more...
The next step will be deploying the Goody Gun device as a sandwich cutter, sending little Joshua and Emily to school with gun-shaped sandwiches.
Yellow American cheese would be the most symbolically appropriate filling, although peanut butter and jelly would drive those my-kid-has-allergies whiners straight up the wall as well. White bread is a must, the doughier the better.
Now, envision the news story that will result when the vice-principal confiscates your child's lunch as evidence, and attempts suspending him or her from school.
You'll be able to have a field day with the kid interviewed on television, tearfully describing how "Mr. Goober took away my sam'wich and made me go hungry." The school officials will look like the fools they are, and you can probably make book on an "emergency school board meeting" being called.
If you are a member of a "protected minority," or can claim poverty, you get extra credit.
musicnotes
Great post. One difference of opinion, however...I would make the sandwich
with 100% whole wheat bread, and over stuff it with broccoli sprouts, young
spinach leaves, good smelly hummus, and tomatoes. That way, the crunchy
NEA-buttoned teacher may try to make an example of the student's lunch to
the rest of the class/lunchroom, etc., and ask the student to show the
sandwich to the other students. Once the teacher gets a better look,
recoils in horror, and reflexively asks something like "Little Joany, what
IS your sandwich shaped like??!!", little Joany, already prepped, can
matter-of-factly say something like " oh, it's just in the shape of a 9mm
Glock 26 semi-automatic handgun".
Thanks for the suggestion. There are a number of variations you could
incorporate, and I'd thought about the organic-vegan route.